See You in the Funny Papers

Today in the office supply store, I almost bought a Maxine daily calender with a laugh a day. For $12.00. Good sense prevailed before I picked it up.
Sometimes I can relate to Maxine and I'm afraid I look more like her than I'd like to admit: grey hair, glasses, dog and so on. On the other hand I'd like not to be thought of as quite as rude and crude as Maxine can be. I'd rather be, um, shall we say, Classic?

When I was a child, I used to imagine I'd grow up to be Mopsy. I loved Mopsy paperdolls in the Sunday paper. Just as I reached what I imagined to be Mopsy's age, Gladys Parker died in 1965 and Mopsy died with her. It's just as well, I had a toddler and a baby by then.

Lost Again

I've been to my 47th year high school reunion, a picnic. This is the Depot replica, a perfect place for a meeting. We were mostly a group of prematurely bald men and prematurely blonde women.

I had a great time coming home yesterday when I realized I'd missed the turn for Hwy 27 in LaGrange and was on Hwy 219 where I'd never been, and without a map. I kept on 219 until it turned south and I kept east. When I came to a 4-way stop, I turned south again (the road name was Hamilton-something) and went down Pine Mountain on a good paved, winding county road. Great views, ending in Hamilton. Took a left and a right and I was on 27 again by sheer luck.

Here's my travel philosophy: with a gas credit card and a compass, you can keep going. If I come to water, I'll know if it's the Atlantic, or the Chattahoochee River and I'll know which way to turn. If I'm going north, eventually I'm going to reach Atlanta or Chattanooga. South, I'll reach I-10. I know the way home from all of those. I can always find a familiar landmark in Atlanta, where I've been lost before numerous times. "Oh, I've been lost here before," I say, and turn left, turn right, turn around.

It's a Beautiful View

Some years ago at a family reunion in a state park, the weather was damp and drizzling, chilly for July. Little kids were running around wet and muddy and we grownups were huddled underneath a picnic shelter. I was thinking what a miserable day it was when an older cousin looked out over the Falls and said, "It's a beautiful view."

Suddenly my attitude changed. It WAS a beautiful view; we were with beloved cousins for the day; good food, great memories.

Since then, I've tried to enjoy the view and not grouse to myself about minor inconveniences.
High Falls, 2001

Nurse Humor

They loved stories of which I was the butt of the joke, these young nurse friends who knew my sons in high school.

"Tell the story about when Glenn was throwing up in the bathroom and you fainted and slid down the wall and you were out colder than a wedge..."

"I could have had a broken neck."

Wahahahhahahaha!

"Tell the story about the night we were leaving through the ER and they were remodeling and the sidewalk was rough and Sandra told Kim to be careful because Kim was clumsy and Sandra fell down and you sat on the curb and laughed until you wet your pants."

Wahahahhahahaha!

"Tell the story about when you bought the bikini and Puppy snickered when you modeled it and you wouldn't wear it because the dog laughed."

Wahahahhahahaha!

Dotty Mom and the Prettiest Baby in the World

He came with a tiny instruction book that said, "All babies, cough, sneeze, hiccup and pass gas." I had no idea.

Dotty Old Message

Thnk ur gr8 @ txt msgng?

In competition in Australia, a telegraph operator since 1927 was pitted against a 13-year-old girl in a battle of the messengers. The old gentleman has a lifetime of experience using Morse code; The girl has two years of text messaging experience and a slew of popular slang.

The telegrapher transmitted the complete message in 90 seconds; the girl used texting shorthand and took 108 seconds to send the same message.

The message: "Hey, girlfriend, you can text all your best pals to tell them where you are going and what you are wearing."

Why I Don't Color My Hair

Miss Vencie visited us frequently when I was a teenager. She and Mama were cousins.

A widow, Vencie had married late in life and had no children. Her two unmarried brothers, Coot and Toad, lived in the old family home which was still as it had been at the turn of the century: unpainted, no electricity or running water. Vencie would escape their hospitality to stay with us.

She took a job as a sitter, staying with a woman whose primary ailment appeared to be boredom. One weekend Vencie came to spend her days off with us. The woman had talked Vencie into letting her cut and dye her gray hair.

Mama took one look at her and said, "Vencie, no human ever had hair that color."

Ever since that day, when thoughts of hair color enter my mind, I can hear Mama saying, "No human ever had hair that color," and I squelch the thought.

Does Benevolent sound like Birmingham?

The Cowboy left at 5 am on the way through Dothan and Birmingham to North Alabama to pick up an engine that he may or may not need. Cur is distraught and will only leave the rug in front of the side door to go outside, coming right back in when I come in. It has rained 3 inches already and still thundering and lightning. As best I can tell from NOAA, he has missed most of the storms.

The phone rang at 10:20. A voice said, "This is a courtesy call from the Police...Buh..."

Blood pounded in my head and my chest tightened.

When I finally processed what she'd said, it was this: "This is a courtesy call from the Police Benevolent Society, blahdah, blahdah, blahdah." It's a good thing for the Police BS that it was a recording.

By 5 pm he's leaving Montgomery for Dothan. My pulse finally slowed to 80.

Miss Fortune

My Fortune Cookie told me: Count your books before they hatch. Get a cookie from Miss Fortune

How'd Miss Fortune know me so well? I'd feel naked without a book. When I go to Jonesboro to visit, one of the highlights is going to the Fayette County or Stockbridge Library book sale.

My Garden Books

Knotty Questions

There's someone who played a little brother role in my life. I taught him to dance; he escorted me to the prom. We have a bond that is stronger than the blood that made it.

Recently he had questions. One had to do with grammar. I know where to find answers to grammar questions. Strunk and White serves me well.

Then he asked how to suture human skin. I didn't ask whom he'd cut. I found a video from a reliable source online and now he's happy in the knowledge of how to tie a suture knot. I suggested he practice on a boston butt -- pork, not one of them Southside yankees he's always incensed about.